Transitions

I've been meaning to blog for so long now and haven't had a chance to just sit down and write. Which oddly enough kind of goes in with the theme of what I'm blogging about today. Funny how that works! But as a side not I enjoy writing an awful lot and it usually helps me sort out my thoughts in a way that talking simply doesn't.


I feel as though my life right now is one huge transition. Everything is changing in the next few weeks. I like my life to have routine. I enjoy list making and knowing exactly what things are going to look like so I can plan accordingly. I can handle chaos as long as it's in one area. Right now life simply isn't that way and it's definitely taking a tole. I would like to say that even though I'm in this weird transition place, I can see the upcoming adventure and am doing my best right now. But it's simply not true. I'm horrible at these things. So many things are happening at once and I feel as though I don't have a handle on any of them.


For starters, I'm getting married. Which is super exciting! Only 23 days. But so many things come before that. I'm very task oriented and most things are done. That's not the problem. The problem is I'm not very good at what Travis and I label 'things'. Haha. I don't like being in front of people. At least not as the center of attention. I'm only now learning what it looks like to live life in community and let people in. The idea of standing in front of people (all of them staring at me) and making a covenant between God and Travis is daunting. It's personal and lovely and lots of other things but it's so nerve racking. My general response to this type of thing is to simply shut down completely... it's my past pattern. I DON'T want to do that and am going to have to fight not to. I do want people there and want to live in community it's just hard. It's a stretch for me. I can do it. I can. and I will. It's simply exhausting to know that shortly here I will have to deal with family from out of town and trying to schedule time with people and on and on...
The other hard part is just not being married. In my heart and mind the commitment to Travis and our relationship is already there. It's done. The fact that all that stands between him and I being husband and wife is a technicality is very hard for me. I'm definitely NOT a patient person. Most people would say I'm crazy but waiting three more months then I wanted to to get married has been super hard. I'm not good at finding the balance in things and I'm having a hard time being vulnerable and pouring everything into our relationship when I'm not married. It's honestly painful for me. I'm all ready to be a wife and am simply waiting to be one. Goodness. I'm working through it... so there's that whole thing.


Secondly, the job situation has been stressful and I'm only anticipating it getting more so. A bunch of people are getting their hours cut or have been let go. Luckily I am not one of them. However, this also means that a bunch of my kids are getting moved up, I'm losing a coworker, and am going to be doing all of the work in my room for the same pay. Not fun. With everything that's going on the general attitude at work is not exactly happy as you can imagine. I just found out about all this on Monday so I'm still processing through a lot of it. There are some things I'm excited about. I generally like working alone and I think a smaller class size will be really nice. However, I know that the high expectations I try to set for my classroom will not be able to be met by just me. Which is super frustrating. I don't like settling for less. I want my kids to have the best. So I have to sit down and revamp my lesson plans and cleaning list and schedule and all that. Those are things I enjoy doing though :)


Another problem I've been having with my job though is communication with one of my parents. I won't go into great detail because that's not helpful but it's just been really stressful. I feel as though people should have to take communication classes to live life. Seriously! I understand that sometimes mis-communications happen. But it's a continual thing. It's hard for me to meet expectations when they are not communicated to me or if what they're saying is in fact not what they actually mean. It's very frustrating. For everyone involved. Not to mention it's literally reeking havoc in my classroom. So there's that.


Third, tonight was my last night of Renewal. As sad as I am to be leaving all my girls, I really do think it's the best thing. Big groups of people are not my thing (in case you hadn't guessed) and it's taken me this long to even feel like I'm starting to get into the routine. I'm starting up Student Venture at Mtn. View with Travis. I'm super excited to be getting into student ministry with my husband to be! I'm super excited to see what God has for us. Not a whole lot of stress here... I'm just not exactly sure what to expect and it's just another new thing. Plus, I will have lots more responsibility in this ministry. But I'm actually really stoked for it :)


So definitely all of those things add up. I think part of the problem is that I had just not anticipated feeling overwhelmed and it kind of took me by suprise. I wasn't prepared. However, I think my biggest problem is this next one: not spending enough time with God. Big suprise there. Right? No. Exactly. I'm trying to figure out my routine for when I'm married and it's started this cycle. I'm trying to get up earlier in the mornings for quiet time. Previously I've been doing my quiet time at night. But I know that once I get married I'll want to go to bed at the same time a Travis and he has been doing his quiet time in the morning. I've been trying. But the I'm so not a morning person. It's been like pulling teeth to get out of bed in the morning even with Travis giving me a wake up call. And then I haven't been able to sleep which has only added to the problem. So yeah. There's that. I need to figure it out pronto. This last week has been just that but it's not working and in the mean time I feel as though everything is falling apart. I am easily reminded of my dependence on God!


The good news is that this is a transition period. It will end, even though everything seems up in the air right now. God has been faithful in meeting me when I've set aside time with him and I know he is full of grace. His love astounds me, and I'm praying for my heart to long for more of him. Work will fall into a routine. I'll figure out the rhythm of Student Venture. The wedding will happen and even if I trip down the aisle or something I will leave there married to the man I love. I sometimes have a hard time finding the value in the process of life. But there is value in it. I need to trust God to grow in ways that I don't even know I need to. Luckily, HE knows me better than I know myself. So here's to the transition period! I'll check back in later if I make it through alive :P