2011

This is one of those obligatory-looking-back-on-the-last-year posts. I know, I know, it's also late. But I finally have some down time now and I wanted to write this post. I think it's important to look back on our lives and see what God has done, how much we've grown and learned, and then be able to look forward.

So, 2011. I'm not joking in the least bit when I say that the year of 2011 could definitely be classified as the best year yet. Through out my life I've had good times and bad times, as everyone does, but this last year has been SO COOL. Right before the year started, I had that moment. The one where I realized that I hadn't been letting God be the Lord of my life, only the savior.

It was a lesson that took years to learn, with lots of heartbreak and depression. My senior year of high school I asked God to grow me and show me how to be closer to him. I don't regret doing that in the least bit but I did not realize at all how stubborn I would be or how much I would have to break to get that lesson. God wanted me to let him lead. I thought I was, but really I was trying to control my own life, live out my plans, and 'fit' God in. Yeah.

So I started out January with a life of submission, finally giving it all to God. I realized that I needed to read the Bible more to learn about God's attributes and let his truth seek into my life (previously my relationship with God consisted mostly of prayer and letting others teach me God's work... not learning on my own). I also realized that I need to wake up each day and pray, giving that day to him and asking for his mindset not mine. Such an awesome power, to live the Spirit filled-life! The last realization I had was that this was a process, living life. Before, I had always wanted life to be a series of accomplishments. Something I could process or conquer and be done with. But that isn't how life works.

The plan was simple. I wanted to give my entire life over to God and live the life HE wanted for me, not what I wanted for me. I knew that this needed to include people also. My previous relationship consisted of just God and me. I had no idea what living in community looked like. So that was what I was going to work on. Learning to let people love me, to be vulnerable with others, and to have accountability. Things God had pointed out to me that I had been missing all these years. Things that were going to force me to grow. I was excited and scared, choosing this new way of life. But as I had said, what ever God wanted. I figured I would grow within my quiet times, lifegroup, and other church activities.

But it never turns out the way we think, does it? Very shortly after starting this new way of life, and being so incredibly blessed by it, God asked for more. See, the area of my life that I wanted to control the most before the area of romance. I had wanted marriage so much that I had torn myself apart trying to get it MY way. I had finally healed from the past and given control to God in that area. I had sworn off any type of relationships for at least the year, turning my attention to God instead. But God wanted me to learn to be vulnerable, trust him, and learn to let others love me. So, he saw fit to bring me my husband. The very end of January/beginning of February is when I got the nudge from God about Travis. I spent about a month praying about it and very boldly telling God that I was not looking for a relationship and didn't want one at all but that, as promised, I would follow God wherever he lead me. Including a romantic relationship. God said 'once more with trust' (I HAD to have the Buffy reference!) and so I did...

I can't even describe the year to you in one blog post. I'm SO glad that God is in control now. I have been so unbelievable blessed, stretched, and grown by him this last year. I can look back and see how he has woven everything in my life for his purpose so perfectly! Even the mistakes I've made have been used for his glory. It's insane! It has been whirlwind with meeting, dating, getting engaged, planning a wedding, and marrying Travis and also stopping a ministry, starting a ministry, starting to help lead a lifegroup, quitting a job, getting a new job, and learning to be a wife... just to name a few things!

I also will tell you it hasn't been a breeze. Choosing to live your life in a way that says you will seek to let God shape you isn't easy. It means being out of your comfort zone. It means letting go of control. It means choosing to grow even when it hurts. Having hard conversations. Talking about and processing things instead of burying them. But it is so freeing to live in the freedom that the grace of God gives. It means not worrying what others think and spending all your time pouring out love on others that you don't have time to wallow in mistakes. Our life is not our own, which means that we have to get up and keep moving, no matter what the enemy may throw our way. God's strength is SO much more powerful then mine. This last year could only have happened through him.

I am so looking forward to another unbelievable year with God leading. He has put Travis and I together for his glory and we're beginning to get a glimpse of what that might be. Of course, it's always changing ;) But I'm excited to grow with him more as one and continue to seek the kingdom of God in whatever way that may be :) Here's to the new year!

Jobs...

Ever since I've been back from my honeymoon I've been job searching. For me, this is something very much out of my comfort zone. I'm not huge on talking about myself especially in ways that I feel is almost bragging. The idea behind this is basically trying to sell yourself to a company. Which is just awkward.

Applying for and interviewing for jobs seems so weird to me. I understand that you have to try and give the potential employer your skills and history and a taste of who you are. But it all seems so meaningless. I can't tell you in fifteen minutes, a half hour, or even a whole day who I am. Why you should hire me? You have to see it for yourself. I could say all kinds of things to trick someone into hiring me and totally be lying. Not that I do. But I could. It all seems so ridiculous.

Plus, in this technological age (and this is coming from a computer nerd!) my application and resume get lost in a sea of others. A piece of paper with my skills on it. It's people judging me on what I have accomplished and what I know rather than who I am and what I can do in the future. It messes with my brain and I have to try REALLY hard to remember that my identity is not in the job I have or what these potential employers think of me. That isn't where my worth is. But how hard is it to not think that when you're basically giving someone a rundown of your personality and skills and asking them to tell you if you're good enough. Absurd!

Even though the whole process is foreign to me and this is the first time I've had to do it I have obtained a job! On the 31st I start down at Elks Rehab as a medical scanner. I'm excited to be doing something new. In all honesty, I'm excited to be doing anything at all. I've been so bored. It will be part time and temporary, but I'm excited just to get my foot in the door.

I have a hard time finding value in the processing part of life. I like results. So this time of not working has been hard for me... for the reasons I mentioned above and just trying to be patient. Not to mention the fact that I'm a workaholic. But I have learned quite a bit. I'm excited to see what's in store for me :)

Settling In

So... I'm married now. The question people have been asking me lately is 'how's married life?' I'm not really sure what kind of answer people are looking for when they ask this. I mostly just say 'really good'. I think it's just something people feel the need to ask without REALLY wanting an answer. Oh culture.
But the truth is that married life IS going really well. Everyone tells you that being married is never what you think it's going to be. That you can't really anticipate what it will be like. So Travis and I were expecting that. But really marriage is more like we thought it was going to be then we thought it was going to be. If you can follow that. haha. It was a really natural progression. Granted it's only been a few weeks. But it's been fabulous! The hardest thing to do when we were engaged (at least for me) was to part at night. And now we don't have to. It isn't weird to live with a guy, which is what lots of women say. We're settling in and it's just really nice.
Obviously we have a lot of growing to do and we're both excited about that. God put us together for a purpose and right now we're praying and sorting out what that looks like for this time in our life. We're excited to work for God as a team and be stretched in our faith while growing in unity with HIM and each other. It's just finally nice to be together all the time. It's much easier to stay on the same page and be unified.
Plus, there's the fun of learning each others little quirks. haha. One of the first nights we got back from our honeymoon we were making the bed. I started jumping on the bed and Travis soon joined in. "Who let us be adults?" Travis asked and I just laughed. As much as we have and are growing up I hope that we never lose the silliness. I honestly believe that it helps a person to not take themselves too seriously. I'm super blessed to be married to man who finds the value in silliness. I love laughing :)

Transitions

I've been meaning to blog for so long now and haven't had a chance to just sit down and write. Which oddly enough kind of goes in with the theme of what I'm blogging about today. Funny how that works! But as a side not I enjoy writing an awful lot and it usually helps me sort out my thoughts in a way that talking simply doesn't.


I feel as though my life right now is one huge transition. Everything is changing in the next few weeks. I like my life to have routine. I enjoy list making and knowing exactly what things are going to look like so I can plan accordingly. I can handle chaos as long as it's in one area. Right now life simply isn't that way and it's definitely taking a tole. I would like to say that even though I'm in this weird transition place, I can see the upcoming adventure and am doing my best right now. But it's simply not true. I'm horrible at these things. So many things are happening at once and I feel as though I don't have a handle on any of them.


For starters, I'm getting married. Which is super exciting! Only 23 days. But so many things come before that. I'm very task oriented and most things are done. That's not the problem. The problem is I'm not very good at what Travis and I label 'things'. Haha. I don't like being in front of people. At least not as the center of attention. I'm only now learning what it looks like to live life in community and let people in. The idea of standing in front of people (all of them staring at me) and making a covenant between God and Travis is daunting. It's personal and lovely and lots of other things but it's so nerve racking. My general response to this type of thing is to simply shut down completely... it's my past pattern. I DON'T want to do that and am going to have to fight not to. I do want people there and want to live in community it's just hard. It's a stretch for me. I can do it. I can. and I will. It's simply exhausting to know that shortly here I will have to deal with family from out of town and trying to schedule time with people and on and on...
The other hard part is just not being married. In my heart and mind the commitment to Travis and our relationship is already there. It's done. The fact that all that stands between him and I being husband and wife is a technicality is very hard for me. I'm definitely NOT a patient person. Most people would say I'm crazy but waiting three more months then I wanted to to get married has been super hard. I'm not good at finding the balance in things and I'm having a hard time being vulnerable and pouring everything into our relationship when I'm not married. It's honestly painful for me. I'm all ready to be a wife and am simply waiting to be one. Goodness. I'm working through it... so there's that whole thing.


Secondly, the job situation has been stressful and I'm only anticipating it getting more so. A bunch of people are getting their hours cut or have been let go. Luckily I am not one of them. However, this also means that a bunch of my kids are getting moved up, I'm losing a coworker, and am going to be doing all of the work in my room for the same pay. Not fun. With everything that's going on the general attitude at work is not exactly happy as you can imagine. I just found out about all this on Monday so I'm still processing through a lot of it. There are some things I'm excited about. I generally like working alone and I think a smaller class size will be really nice. However, I know that the high expectations I try to set for my classroom will not be able to be met by just me. Which is super frustrating. I don't like settling for less. I want my kids to have the best. So I have to sit down and revamp my lesson plans and cleaning list and schedule and all that. Those are things I enjoy doing though :)


Another problem I've been having with my job though is communication with one of my parents. I won't go into great detail because that's not helpful but it's just been really stressful. I feel as though people should have to take communication classes to live life. Seriously! I understand that sometimes mis-communications happen. But it's a continual thing. It's hard for me to meet expectations when they are not communicated to me or if what they're saying is in fact not what they actually mean. It's very frustrating. For everyone involved. Not to mention it's literally reeking havoc in my classroom. So there's that.


Third, tonight was my last night of Renewal. As sad as I am to be leaving all my girls, I really do think it's the best thing. Big groups of people are not my thing (in case you hadn't guessed) and it's taken me this long to even feel like I'm starting to get into the routine. I'm starting up Student Venture at Mtn. View with Travis. I'm super excited to be getting into student ministry with my husband to be! I'm super excited to see what God has for us. Not a whole lot of stress here... I'm just not exactly sure what to expect and it's just another new thing. Plus, I will have lots more responsibility in this ministry. But I'm actually really stoked for it :)


So definitely all of those things add up. I think part of the problem is that I had just not anticipated feeling overwhelmed and it kind of took me by suprise. I wasn't prepared. However, I think my biggest problem is this next one: not spending enough time with God. Big suprise there. Right? No. Exactly. I'm trying to figure out my routine for when I'm married and it's started this cycle. I'm trying to get up earlier in the mornings for quiet time. Previously I've been doing my quiet time at night. But I know that once I get married I'll want to go to bed at the same time a Travis and he has been doing his quiet time in the morning. I've been trying. But the I'm so not a morning person. It's been like pulling teeth to get out of bed in the morning even with Travis giving me a wake up call. And then I haven't been able to sleep which has only added to the problem. So yeah. There's that. I need to figure it out pronto. This last week has been just that but it's not working and in the mean time I feel as though everything is falling apart. I am easily reminded of my dependence on God!


The good news is that this is a transition period. It will end, even though everything seems up in the air right now. God has been faithful in meeting me when I've set aside time with him and I know he is full of grace. His love astounds me, and I'm praying for my heart to long for more of him. Work will fall into a routine. I'll figure out the rhythm of Student Venture. The wedding will happen and even if I trip down the aisle or something I will leave there married to the man I love. I sometimes have a hard time finding the value in the process of life. But there is value in it. I need to trust God to grow in ways that I don't even know I need to. Luckily, HE knows me better than I know myself. So here's to the transition period! I'll check back in later if I make it through alive :P

Dating :)

Now that the updating is *cough* isn't *cough* done I can tell you about today without lots of confusion. haha.

First off, let me just say that dating has never been my thing. I never did it in high school or college... I just didn't understand the point of dating for fun. Why would anyone want to go on a date/be in a relationship with someone they didn't see themselves marrying? It seemed and still seems like a bad life choice. Too much pain at stake. Can you see why I would be pegged as being unromantic? haha. So much logic.

The fact is that I'd never been on a date until my first date with Travis. (Now come the awwws. haha). It (obviously) went amazingly. However, I still wouldn't necessarily call dating fun... until today. Not that I didn't have fun on any of our previous dates it's just that for the first handful we were very purposeful in our dates. We were trying to find out if we were compatible for marriage... in our eyes that's what dating should be. I distinctly remember us both sitting in Travis' car and declaring that we hated dating around week three... it just so happened to preface a next day discussion facilitated by God that we thought we wanted to get married. haha.

But today's date was the beginning of a lifetime habit we're establishing. We started premarital counseling this last Monday and received lifetime homework. We have to go on one date a week. So this dating is still very purposeful... just in a different way. This is about being romantic. About setting aside time to just spend together and continually seek one another. So fun! It's definitely homework I won't mind doing. So today we went and enjoyed the paddle boats. I hadn't done it since I was little. There is something very peaceful about being on the water... one of my favorite things ever is bodies of water. We then had Cantonese food which was delicious. Next, we started in on making a paper chain that counts down to our wedding day :) Definitely a fabulous date. As much as I never saw dating as particularly fun the game has changed. I'm super excited to spend the rest of my life dating the man who exceeds my dreams.

update... kinda

I enjoy blogging a lot. It is kind of a release for me... I enjoy writing. I've been wanting to write for so long now but the thing is that so much has happened since I've last written that it seems so daunting. How do I catch everyone up on everything in one post. Crazyness. Blogging is just like anything else. Once you get out of the habit of doing it it fades away easily. But I've definitely revived this blog before. It's actually kind of funny if you go back and look at it. I started this blog back in high school when Kayd moved to New Mexico and Lorren had one. It was a way to keep update on each others lives in story form rather than just the random posts that were myspace... did I have a myspace then? But then I forgot about it for years. YEARS. Then, as people started moving away for college and getting married and whatnot blogs started up again and I decided to revive mine. I was in a weird stage of life at the time and writing helped. So much has been poured out on this blog. Crazy how open one can be on the internet for everyone to see. But I think for me it has more to do with the fact that it's writing and not talking. More than anything I enjoy this blog as a kind of nostalgia. To be able to go back and see what happened when and how I was feeling. It's super nice because I can't lose it like I might a journal. So yeah. Notice how none of this has been me catching up on my life?

I guess I'll try in super short form. Goodness. Long story short: I stopped my struggling and gave God control of my life. I knew and know he has big things for me. My relationship with him has grown so much it's insane. One of the major things I knew I was/am learning in this season of life is how to let others love me and know me. So how did God see fit that I learn that lesson? In what I consider the best way ever... he brought me the man I'm going to marry :) Seriously insane. It's been a whirlwind of growing, learning, and love. I can't wait to marry the love of my life, Travis. Only 79 days until I can say I do! haha. Not that I'm counting. Not at all. Our story is one that I'm sure many find crazy and unromantic in some ways but everyone who knows me knows that it's exactly something that would happen to me and I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way. We're both fond of saying that never before has being un-romantic been so romantic. I'm not going to write out the entire story here because it would take too long. But maybe sometime soon. Or maybe we'll start a blog together... or just for the wedding. I'll keep you updated!

Challenged!

I've been feeling super challenged lately. I'm getting more involved in Church things and getting to know my family in Christ at the Pursuit. It's been great. One thing I've been feeling challenged about lately is using my talents in the church. I used to do this, at my other church. I'm thankful that I have people around me to push me to get involved and grow in Christ.
In some ways I feel like I've gone so far back in my relationship with God. This leads me back to that threshold of depression where I almost don't even want to try because I know that I can not do it. I'm not perfect and I will fail. But the thing is... GOD can. He can help me (and even really wants to!) All I have to do is surrender my life to him and let him lead me in ALL areas. Which is harder to do than it is to say.
I thought I was there in high school. But I asked God to test me (Be careful what you ask for!) and he did. It's probably not hard to guess that I failed that. I mean, you know, you guys were there. You can go back and read the whiny blogs about it.
But now I'm having a hard time with my heart in this. I KNOW that God has an awesome plan for my life, that he loves me, that he'll guide me and grow me. But my heart is being stubborn. It doesn't want to be vulnerable and trust him. I think that in many ways growing up is crippling. We become jaded and no longer want to love and trust anything or anyone with all that we are. But at the same time we want purpose. It's such a mess. God is the only one who can truly love me and give me purpose. I need to submit to him. It's scary. Even though I know it'll be amazing... the hardest part is always jumping.So here I stand at the ledge :)