Challenged!

I've been feeling super challenged lately. I'm getting more involved in Church things and getting to know my family in Christ at the Pursuit. It's been great. One thing I've been feeling challenged about lately is using my talents in the church. I used to do this, at my other church. I'm thankful that I have people around me to push me to get involved and grow in Christ.
In some ways I feel like I've gone so far back in my relationship with God. This leads me back to that threshold of depression where I almost don't even want to try because I know that I can not do it. I'm not perfect and I will fail. But the thing is... GOD can. He can help me (and even really wants to!) All I have to do is surrender my life to him and let him lead me in ALL areas. Which is harder to do than it is to say.
I thought I was there in high school. But I asked God to test me (Be careful what you ask for!) and he did. It's probably not hard to guess that I failed that. I mean, you know, you guys were there. You can go back and read the whiny blogs about it.
But now I'm having a hard time with my heart in this. I KNOW that God has an awesome plan for my life, that he loves me, that he'll guide me and grow me. But my heart is being stubborn. It doesn't want to be vulnerable and trust him. I think that in many ways growing up is crippling. We become jaded and no longer want to love and trust anything or anyone with all that we are. But at the same time we want purpose. It's such a mess. God is the only one who can truly love me and give me purpose. I need to submit to him. It's scary. Even though I know it'll be amazing... the hardest part is always jumping.So here I stand at the ledge :)