frustrating!

So school started today. not for me, but for everyone who is going to BSU. It's so weird to not be in school. It kind of makes me panic. I don't know what it is i want to do and am done with my general courses, so until I know what I want to pursue I'm not going back to school. It feels so backwards... almost as if I'm doing something wrong. I love to have goals and get them done as quickly and efficiently as possible. but life isn't like that. I have no clue what I want to do and I do not want to possibly waste time and money to just go to school because. It's so very stressful! bah! seriously. I wish I did know. I want to know I really do! I've thought about just going to school to get like and English or Business degree but I'm not convinced that would be helpful either. Perhaps photography, i do love that. but seriously I have no idea. I feel as though I'm wasting my potential and time in not knowing... like I could be further on in my life and career if i could figure it the heck out. It weighs over my like an ominous cloud. It's so epically frustrating. My life so far has turned out so very different from how I imagined it when I was little and sometimes I find myself wondering how I even got where I am now, how I became the person I am. There are things I like and things I don't like, things I will strive to change. I hate being stuck in ruts and the mark of a new school year is the year mark of me being stuck. I feel suffocated, like I can't breathe. To top it off, this year my three closest friends are all moving on now; it's so much harder to be left than to do the leaving. Jeanine, of course is in NC. Kayla is and RA at NNU now and even though she's close I won't be seeing much of her. Calli has moved to ISU for her freshman year. and here I am, living alone and working. yep. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, that's not the point. I'm very happy for all three of my friends. I'm glad they have direction and are having awesome experiences. I want what's best for them. I just wish I knew what I wanted. I put very high expectations on myself and when I fail to meet them I am often devastated. One year should definitely be long enough for anyone to figure out what they want to do. I mean, I had two years of college before that to figure it out too! bah! however, there is another part of me deep down that knows that maybe I need to learn something from all that waiting. That even though right now I feel as though this is wasted time it is really a preparation for something that is to come. I know that I have some major growing to do. that there are aspects of my life that need worked on and points of view that need changing through experience, not just knowledge. I am simply not a patient person... I want to know now! haha. but God knows better than me and I trust him. I'm just frustrated!