Blogging!

So, no one reads this, as previously stated, but i like having it anyways. it's kinda like keeping a diary only hoping someone will read it. hmmm.... I don't know if i want everyone reading my inner thoughts but yeah. This past years has been crazy! Anyone who knows me knows that. I have spent the last year trying to do things my way, hanging on to something i never had, and running away from God. It's been horrible and depressing. It was literally the worst thing i have ever had to go through. I hope and pray i never have to go through something like that again. i've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned why i need God and that i need to trust Him. He has a plan for my life, he can see the bigger picture. I can't. I have to believe, through all the pain, that there is a reason i went through what i did. and i do believe that. Some days it's easier then others. I have gotten to the point where i think i am ready to start healing. I have my up and down days, but i am out of the depression and ready to start actually dealing with the pain. I hope i can be strong...i will try really hard. before, i just wasn't ready to deal with it. I buried it and distracted myself. the most i asked for was numbness. If i could just survive then life was good. If i could keep busy enough to not think. trying to run away from your own mind is very hard... and running from God is harder! I've spent the last year simply existing and now i am choosing more. I want to live again, to live for God. to make a difference and have a life. So, here i go. I've learned things about myself that i don't like... but i will work on them and grow, with God's help. so yeah. that's my last year in a nutshell. not details, but the overall theme. Although, i also must declare that i have the best friends ever who have helped me through this...people who actually get and understand me, which was something i was beginning to think i would never have. I love them so much... i couldn't have even existed without them :)