Downtown

So I wanted to expand a little bit on the whole downtown experience. I have been out to a few other bars before but until Saturday I hadn't ever been downtown. Which apparently is a completely different experience. Which it was. So Denise and I started off drinking at her house because we didn't want to pay for drinks while we were out, which was just fine by me. We met up with a few of our other friends (and some of hers which I didn't already know) for a cookie exchange party and then headed downtown after. We first went to China Blue and we got into the VIP section which was pretty cool. They had a good DJ and a really cool dance floor that lit up with different colors. It was pretty fun dancing there because we were literally the only onesnon the dance floor. But it was also a little bit awkward because everyone else was just watching is dance. But whatever. We didn't stay there too terribly long because there wasn't that many people here and we were meeting up with a few other people. At least I got to feel important for a little while with my floresent orange wrist band. Haha. Next we headed to Mac and Charlies. This is where we spent most of our time. I had a drink there, and it was really good. I can't even tell you what it was because I let someone else order it for me. I like trying new things. Here's where the story takes a turn. Nohing horrible happened. It was just weird. There were tons of people there and Denise was trying to point people out but it was so loud in there that I could hear her about half the time. I'm not any good at lip reading anyways. So conversation proved difficult. We made our way to the dance floor. I was dancing with the girls when this group of like three guys joined us. Which I am totally fine with. I mean, it's just dancing. No big deal. So I gave him my full attention. This, apparently, was not the best of ideas. Dancing was fine but it got a little uncomfortable when he decided he should place open mouthed kisses on my ear/hair/neck. But I just told myself to get through the song. It's not like he was groping me or anything. After the song was overnight literally turned my back on him and tried to join the girls again. Which would have been fine except for the fact that the other members of my guy's group were dancing with my group! Pretty soon I found myself dancing with this guy again only dancing with my girls too. When that song ended he girls ditched me! I don't think they purposefully left me behind but they did. So I dance with this guy for like half ofthe next song and then he said he had to go. Which was more Than fine by me. I must have looked confused (even though I'm pretty sure me face read "please do leave!") because he proceeded to explain toe that he had a friend waiting outside by that he did want to get to know me. At this point I don't know how I kept from laughing. But I did. I reassured him it was fine and he left. First off, I definitely was not offended by him leaving. I was glad! Second, I went downtown to have fun, not to meet someone. I did not want to get to know him. Third, I'm pretty sure that "get to know you" was code for "see you naked". This most definitely was not going to happen! I mean, I give the guy points for trying. But does that line work on anyone?He obviously didn't actually want together to know me or he would have at least asked me my name. Oh boys... Haha. We stuck around for a little while longer but then finished up our night at Roddy's. This place was my favorite I think. Although it could be just because I was glad to get away from that guy. But it had a much more relaxed environment. It's a country bar :) We danced there a bit too and I did some lip syncing. Haha. We left at two when the bar closed and started looking for a taxi. My nameless guy appeared out of no where! I was too far away to hear anyhin he said but Denise yelled at him that we were gettin a taxi home. Alone. Haha. I lover her! We made it home safe and sound (after some sister drama). And that my friends, was my first downtown experience. So fun mixed with some drama and stalking. But hey, at least I lived! 

blah...

Today I am feeling uberly unmotivated. My house is a disaster area. It seriously looks as though I had a frat party here last night. Or something equal to that. In reality I haven't cleaned my house since before NaNoWriMo. *sigh* I really need to clean. But the messier it gets the more I don't want to clean. I don't know where to start, it's too much work, blah blah blah. haha. Also I need to film a video for my collab channel. But I'm feeling unmotivated to do that either. This is going to be a really whiny blog. yep. Also, I can't decide on a charity for my p4a video and because I don't have much time left I'm thinking the video isn't going to be that good anyways and so I should probably just give up now. Yeah, it's definitely a very unmotivating day. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I slept most the of the day away. I got up at like 3:30 this afternoon. I had my first ever downtown experience last night. It was fun. I didn't even drink that much, but I had to get up at like 9:30 and drive Denise to get her car. I pretty much never wake up that early on weekends and so I came home and went right back to bed and slept forever. But I think I slept too much, which just leaves me groggy and unmotivated. (I wonder how many times I've used that word in this blog. hmm...) So, I am writing to vent in the hopes that I will actually do something. I did start some laundry... so that's at least something. I think I may just need some caffeine. That could be the problem. Probably is actually. Okay... getting some caffeine. I knew that blogging would help!

NaNoWriMo ends...

Geez! It's been awhile. NaNoWriMo has come to an end and I've been having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. It gave me an excuse not to clean house,cook,vlog,or do laundry. None of these thing have gotten since either. I have become addicted to Grey's Anatomy and that's what I've been doing in place of NaNoWriMo. I'm almost done with the fourth season! Back to the whole NaNoWriMo thing for a minute. I did win! I'm really proud of that with it being my first year and all. Writing 50,000 words was easier than I thought it was going to be. Yes sometimes I felt unmotivated, but for the most part it was awesome! Plus it helped keep me distracted from some personal things that happened this month. Having that goal helped me keep my mind off things. I may write about this some oher time. But for now I'll leave it at that. I really can't wait until next November to try again. This time I will have a better plan. This year I knew where my story was going, because I pretty much wrote out a story I had been writing in my head for years. The problem proved to be that I don't really like my main charater, I can't write dialouge, there were major plot holes, and I wrote it from the wrong point of view. You know, really minor things like that! Haha. I reached the word goal but did not finish the story. And I'm pretty sure I won't. It's just crapy writing. This is the first time I have attempted to write anything even close to this long, so it doesn't really bug me. It was a learning process and next year I'll be ready with a god plot line, character sketches, and hopefully better dialouge writing! Since I told basicaly everyone I know I was doing NaNoWriMo (so I wouldn't back out) people naturally want to read my story. I keep telling them no because it's really bad. I mean, did you see my reasons above? Obviously I don't want people reading that! But they don't understand. They are simply impressed by my attempt at writing a book (and rightly so) they're not factoring in that I'm not a proffesional writer (which sadly I am not). I even had a friend on facebook tell me that I should get my writing to where I  am comfortable with others reading it! At first I was put off but then I just had to laugh. That is kind o the goal. But obviously this person has never attepted to write a novel. I know the difference between good and bad writing. I do not want to let people read crap. That isn't fun for anyone. They wouldn't enjoy reading it and there isn't any constructive critism to be given. The best they could do is say, " wow this really doesn't work! There are some good spots but overall it's a mess." which I already know! So I don't really see the point in that excersice. Seems like a waste of time to me! Eventually I will write something I will let others read. Just not now. Oh! Totally off topic, but I got a formspring account! Go ask me ridiculous questions! http://formspringme.com/chrystieness I think that's all for now. Oh! Except I am at work and typing this on my new iPod touch, Luna, whom I absolutly love! Cheers!     

personality types, end of november

I've gotten bad at posting again :(

November is almost over which means the end of NaNoWriMo. I've been really, really thankful for it this month. It has kept my mind off of other things. It's getting down to the wire. I have 7,000 odd words left to type. This last Sunday I wrote 10,000 words which was freakin' amazing. seriously. I've been loving the productiveness that is coming from writing a novel. I'm still going...

about that "other" thing. I did in fact have that heart to heart i needed to. Only it kinda ended up being just my heart and then some yelling. Not how i wanted it to go, but what can you do. This person has been basically lying to me (if not directly then by omission) for a while now :( It's not a good situation. But, strangely enough i have been able to kind of put it past me and move on faster than i thought. I've been doing good. In the past I have been somewhat notorious for wallowing in situations that go bad with this person. I'm proud of me for this!

The New Moon premiere was fun. A small group of us went and I enjoyed the movie. There were things I did and didn't like about the movie, but overall it was good. It's weird to me that just a year ago twilight came out. It's been quite the year...

I took the Jung Typology test and got INTJ (introverted,Intuitive,thinking,judging) which is really good at describing me, like scarily good. If you would like to take the test visit: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp it's pretty interesting.

Half Way

A lot has happened since I last posted. So, I will try to just summarize:

I lost a filling. I was writing for NaNoWriMo, and of course eating snacks, and popped a filling. So not good. I have an appointment of Tuesday for a consultation. Hopefully they'll be able to just re-fill my tooth. Right now it's pretty much just annoying.

It's the half-way point of NaNoWriMo and I'm right on track at 25,055 words. I really wish I was ahead, but being on track is good. Like I've said before, I am a notorious procrastinator. So really, being on track is good. I almost kind of feeling like I'm missing out on the NaNoWriMo experience by not being behind. Part of the whole thing is being stressed out, pushing yourself to your potential. I haven't really been that stressed yet. I've had days where I haven't wanted to write, but I haven't been stressed yet. I need to get a day's worth of words ahead on my word count, because on Thursday I am going to the New Moon premiere. I'm probably not going to be writing that day.

My birthday! It was fun. I spent my actual birthday looking cute and watching the BSU vs. Vandals game at the ram. Then I came home and watched Grey's Anatomy (and because of this crying!). It was pretty great. I like when I'm not the one being focused on. Then I had a really good talk with Jeanine. Then I had a horrible talk with a boy. The boy actually. The one I've been wanting to let go of forever and just can't seem to. This is the same boy I've been talking about needing to let go of forever. I love him, and it's freakin' hard. But I have been letting go of him, or at least trying. We talked last night, and although it didn't go exactly like I wanted it to, at least he knows I'm serious about letting him go, about moving on. So we'll see how that goes. I'm like 85% sure I can do it. Even though I know I need to let him go, and it's been pathetically too long,it still hurts. It always hurts. I just really,really, hope i can move on this time.

Today, I went to my parents house and had a little party. Kayla came over too, which was great. We ate, played games, and just talked. I'm really exited because my parents bought me tickets to go see Relient K and TobyMac in concert. It's going to be awesome! I also got money for books,undies,a journal,and some money from my parents. Even though I wasn't looking forward to this birthday just because of the whole age thing, it's been really fun. Even with the whole boy thing. I have a great family and great friends :)


NaNoWriMo words: 20,055

Days to New Moon premiere: 4

a day full of brunch

So... it's like 1:00 in the morning and I'm heading to bed right after this. Today I woke up and went to my parents house to have brunch with them, my sister, and her boyfriend. I was actually really nice and per usual my mom made way too much food. Then I kind of just stuck around. I had so much to do today but I just stayed. My sister had plans to die my mom's hair and we had to go pick up hair dye. I decided to have her do mine too and now my hair is a nice auburn color! so yay for that. It took awhile, we just took our time. I actually had a lot of fun hanging out with them today. Not that my family isn't interesting it's just that usually I would rather be doing something else. My sister and I got along pretty well and we even had a few laughing fits. We talked about things we used to do as kids. We focused on the positive. It mostly consisted of us chatting about our weird movie tastes as kids. For instance some of our favorites included: The Dark Crystal,Happily Ever After,Fern Gully, Little Nemo,and Hocus Pocus. Yeah, we were strange children.

I came home with the need to clean house, vlog, and write. I ended up writing )though not as much as I wanted), watching Grey's Anatomy, and straightening my hair. Fail on the vlogging. Hopefully things will go smoothing for that tomorrow. Seriously, I am crossing my fingers.

As far as NaNoWriMo goes, I am slowing down considerably. I was on such a role! I'm still ahead, just not where I wanted to be. I really wanted to be half way done by tonight. It was nice to find out through all my pep talks that the second week is infamously the worst one. So, I am not alone. Tomorrow I plan on having a very productive writing/cleaning night. Hopefully it will go as planned. I think part of the reason the second week is so hard is that you've moved past introducing your character and have started the plot, but you get caught up on gaining momentum to move the plot to the end of the story. At least this is the case with me. My middle of the story is lagging in content. It's the "everything's happy" part of the story that is kind of hard to show. I want to just skip ahead to the conflict and then resolve it. But, i have character's personalities to build and get to know you's to do. That is the middle section. So not as fun as the beginning or end!

Also, the chartjackers song came out today! I'm really excited to see how it does. Even if it doesn't make it into the charts at least money is going to charity. To be perfectly honest I really do adore the song though! It's pretty awesome :) If you don't know what I'm talking about visit http://www.youtube.com/ChartJackersProject to find out more. It's a great story of how the internet community can come together for good! You can find "I've Got Nothing" the ChartJacker's single on itunes.

okay, for realsies now I'm heading to bed!

NaNoWriMo word count: 19,233 (still fairly awesome)

Days to my birhtday: 6

remember remember the fifth of november

I am currently watching V for Vendetta. I love that movie. It's so fitting seeing that it is the fifth of November.

Tonight I had a kind of write-a-thon though I only wrote 4,000 words. It works. I would have really liked to write 2,000 more. But I also really wanted to watch this movie. The movie won out.

I hung out in blogtv with Dr.Noise tonight also. Which was really fun. There were only about 40 people in the chat so I could actually talk. It was a nice change. I've never really listened to his music before but he is really talented. I'll have to look more into it. :)

I've actually been getting more sleep since I started NaNoWriMo which doesn't make any sense at all. Seriously. I think that writing this much makes me emotionally drained, therefore I go to bed a little earlier and sleep well. That's the only explanation I can think of.

On my lunch break I saw something horrible. A teen boy (my guess is around 14) was riding a bike without any helmet. This in and of it's self is bad. But he was also toting what I assume is his little brother on his bike. The kid was around two and was sitting on the handle bars. He wasn't wearing a helmet either. I was speechless. It makes me sick. I wanted to take that child. I just don't understand. To me, not wearing a helmet while riding a bike is more dangerous than not wearing your seatbelt in your car. At least in your car you have a buffer from the road. It scares me. He was biking down a very busy road and crossing traffic. I think riding your bike without a helmet should be illegal. Not cool.

NaNoWriMo word count: 16,091 (and it's only day five!)

days to my birthday:9

days to New Moon premiere:15

November is a good month :)

too tired...

I'm too tired to post tonight even though I want to :( so, i'm going to keep it really short. I did my 2,000 words today. It took me a long time and I kinda had to force it, but I made it. yay! going to bed now. I have to be at work at 7am and it is currently 12:26 am. It's going to be great. Write-a-thon tomorrow night :)


NaNoWriMo word count: 12,011

oh the crazyness!

So... it's three days into NaNoWriMo and I'm doing great. I never thought it would be this easy to just write. I've tried (not very hard) before to write but I could never do it. You know why? because I'm a perfectionist. I wanted my writing to sound like the perfect novel right out of my brain. I know that's not how it works, but that's how I wanted it to work. NaNoWriMo has given me permission to suck. It's about getting ideas and words on to paper, not writing a publishable novel. This is much easier than I ever would have guessed. So far the story is flowing pretty well. There have been no major hang-ups. But then again it is only the third day. There's plenty of time for that.

Writing this novel is taking over my life though. First off, I have a very addictive personality. I like to dive into things fully and get them done fast and efficiently. I like to bask in every facet of the chosen obsession. So, writing this novel is driving me a little crazy. I'm trying to keep up with other people's word counts. Any time I am not doing anything all I can think about is how i should be working on my novel. Take right now for instance. I'm writing this blog post to help calm me down a little. Well, that and partly because strangely once I start writing I only want to write more. But, pretty much all I can think about as i type this is how great it would be if this many more words were going into my novel. I'm going to be an expert typist after this. Maybe I'll get a job as a secretary :) It's funny because before I started writing I thought I would be procrastinating a bunch. That is my usual way. But so far I've been very ahead. For like the first time ever in my life. It's a good feeling.

This month, besides being NaNoWriMo, also contains my birthday (I'll be 22), the New Moon premiere, and (of course) Thanksgiving! It's going to be a crazy month! That is all for now, thanks for letting me talk (or write rather) your ear off!

NaNoWriMo words: 9,068

Day to my birthday:11

NaNoWriMo

So... today I spent the majority of my time writing. Heck, this is my second blog post of the day. I'm a writing machine! haha. Seriously though, i thought getting the words to flow would be harder. But there's no pressure to write well so that's a plus. There's only pressure to write. I have successfully writen 4,514 words of my 50,000 today. So, that's pretty good. The average word count is 1,667. So, as of now I'm ahead of the game. I just have to keep truckin'. Here's my problem. I'm feeling in the writing mood. And I am really scared that if I go to sleep, i'll lose motivation. I don't know why. I just have a feeling. I'm so in the zone of writing right now that I'm afraid sleeping, getting up, and working will knock me out of the zone and I'll freeze up and fall behind. However, I am now putting a story to paper that I've been writing in my head for years. The basic plot is there. Some of the conversations and things have been thought over so many times that putting them to life isn't going to be a problem at all. And so far the words have just flowed. But I don't want to get out of the groove. I want to win. I want to finish this novel. it's a big deal to me. I wish I could just lock myself up for like a week and do nothing but write- i'm sure i'd get pretty far. I like counting the words. When I started this I had no idea how addicting the writing would be. I should have known. I have a very addictive personality. How could I not get caught up in this. Hopefully, I will stay motivated *crosses fingers* cause I need to sleep. NEED to. I'm still sick and I do want to get better. I should have gone to bed like an hour ago. But now that I have vented I am going to bed so, goodnight. Thanks for listening to my rant :)

NaNoWriMo count: 4,514!!!

Halloween and pre-writing

I'm hurriedly typing this because I really REALLY need to start writing on my NaNoWriMo novel. But for some reason I felt the need to blog first. Maybe to put my mind at rest before I start in on my novel. Halloween was really fun. I helped my mom plan this big party and had this really awesome costume:



I am a zombie bride. I was really excited about this costume and it turned out pretty freakin awesome!

Kayla and I went to help my mom set up for the party and help with food. Then we came back to my house and got ready. Thanks so much to Kayla because she basically saved my hair for the costume. I fail at curling hair. haha. We arrived at my parent house with plenty of time to spare and set up music. I've been sick this week so my head was pounding. I took some meds though and got to feeling pretty good after I had a few drinks. I turned to Kayla about mid way in the party (we were sitting on the couch) and said "I don't know why I thought this was going to be fun". We had virtually done nothing and we didn't really know anyone. There was only one game planned (pull an apple off a string that is hanging from a tree). This is not the way I usually plan parties. But I was only helping. Kayla, my sister, her boyfriend, their roomate, and I found ourselves upstairs and playing cards. I love cards and so far that was the funnest part of the night. After that we headed back down stairs and the dancing begun. I'm not a big club/hip-hop music dancing kinda girl. I perfer techno/dancy music that i can jump up and down and twirl to. haha. but it was fun. If you know me you know I'm pretty crazy sometime and as proved last night I get that from my mom. haha. but it was awesomely fun! I did however, over exert myself and ended having quite a few coughing fits. Out of that I ended up with a bruised rib. *sigh* but it was worth it. Kayla and I came back to my house and watched Hocus Pocus and then went to bed. All in all it was an awesome night :)

NaNoWrimo word count:0!!!! I am leaving to go write write write! wish me luck! my couch is becoming my home for the next month.

I always feel the need to blog when I should be sleeping, so it seems. I am pretty sick. I mean, I have a cough and my ears are plugged up, and lots of sinus pressure. Some people probably get this a lot. But I don't hardly ever get sick. Stupid sickness. I have been sick for like a week now too, and that's quite a while for me! bah! I want to be well cause Halloween is Saturday and I want to be able to have fun (and hear!). It'll be my first ever Halloween party. It's exciting. I'm going to be a zombie bride and have my costume pretty much all finished. What else...

youtube. I love youtube. The collab channel with the girls is going great! but my personal channel is falling way, way behind. I'm all vlogged out by the time I do my betweenusfriends video. Well, partly that and partly the fact that all my good ideas come to me in the middle of the day. I'm at work and can't film, and if I don't film them right away then I lose motivation and am convinced that idea was stupid anyways. I would idealistically like to vlog once a week on there. *sigh* I'll work on this.

NaNoWriMo. I'm excited! I am not freaking out...yet. Although I know I should be. I have no real plan. I'm going to be writing a story that I've been writing in my head for years. So, I'm hoping it will come out fairly painlessly. It doesn't have to be good. The point is to get the words out, quantity not quality. That comes later. I am kinda nervous talking about it though. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm writing about. I don't want to tell them. It's a weird thing to me. To tell someone your idea or have them read your writing is a very personal thing. It's like letting someone into your mind. They see how you think, how you view the world. I mean, it's fiction. It's not real. But you stem from real ideas, feeling, and perspective. Some truth comes out of made-up characters. And, I think my novel makes me look slightly, idealistic. Which isn't bad. But I think people will think that I'm "cute" or "young". I don't know. Again, it is proved to me that I care what people think. This definitely bugs me. a lot. Oh! and I'm not going to actually be writing the first few days cause Kayla is coming to stay with me. So I'll be starting off behind... yeah.

er. This is a hard one. That person I was letting go of a few blog posts back. yeah. I haven't. They have the uncanny ability to manipulate me. We've been going round and round in this dysfunctional circle of crazy. We both know it. And I'm done. I need to be done. I have to be done. and I just am. I'm tired of being so very masochistic. I've learned so much, but now need to move on with that knowledge. I just have to tell the person. there's the hard part. Well, not really. The harder part is sticking to what I say. I have the worst will power when it comes to this person. Those who know me well call them my kryptonite. It's that bad. But I must do it. Wish me luck!

Recap. To Do:

*video for personal channel
*tell people what my novel is about
*have a heart to heart and stick to my guns

awesome! well, I'm heading to bed in hopes I'll wake up with a miraculous drained ear. Oh, and tomorrow I'm having a Sex in the City marathon with Kayla! yay!


EDIT- I was just looking through older posts and in a lot of them i say i'm sick. so apparently I like to blog when i'm sick also... *shakes head*

being set up?!?!? ...

A few of my coworkers have taken it up as their personal mission to find me a boy. They want to see me go on a date. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, it's really not a big deal. What can one date hurt right? Here's the thing though. I've never actually been on a date. yep. I am almost 22 years old and I have never been on a date. Why you ask? I've always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic but also have a very realist side. My parents didn't want me dating until I was eighteen (which, you know, is only slightly ridiculous) but I wouldn't have anyways. No one I knew or met in high school was worth it to put it bluntly. I never really got the point of dating for the heck of it. Why in the world would I want to date and have a relationship with someone who I knew it wasn't going anywhere with? But maybe it's just my personality. I have a really really hard time with casual relationships of any sort. I'm either all in or all out for the most part. I get deeply emotionally attached and refuse to become unattached. That in itself warrants worry for this potential date. I won't know this person. I don't do small talk well at all. I don't like meeting new people. I have never done any of this before. However, add on the fact that despite me never officially being in a relationship, I've been in love with this boy I basically grew up with and have known since I was like ten or eleven. I started to like him when I was like 17. And I didn't admit it for a whole year. I had never really even had a crush on a boy before. I mean, I had seen things I admired in other boys, or thought they were cute. But I could always pin-point why they weren't right for me. But this boy, he stole my heart. It took two years (three maybe?) for him to start to like me. It was so slow going from my perspective. But then he did! And we started talking and talking and talking. We had already been really good friends. I went to see him (he lives in another state) and he missed an opportunity to kiss me (silly nervous boy!). After I returned we talked and he basically ended it, it kind of happened abruptly. I spent a year depressed. It was sad and pathetic. ridiculous, but it happened. I was in love with him and it was hard. I felt as though I had not only lost a love but also a very close friend. And then began our cycles. With him it never seems to be over. We are both inexplicably drawn to each other. We know each other too well for our own good sometimes. I'm getting over him... now it's just the moving on part that poses a problem. This makes me really nervous for my potential date. Not necessarily the first one, but if anything came out of it. I mean, how do I explain my crazy emotions for this boy i wasn't in a relationship with? The whole thing was just ridiculous. Also, part of me wonders if I can feel the same way about another person. I mean not exactly the same way, but as deep of feelings. And a huge part of me is intimidated by the process of getting to know/ letting someone get to know me again. It's so much work... and what if it doesn't work out. ahhhh..... My non-relationship thing with this boy has left me with lots of issues but no practical experience. Stupid! Not to mention that being set up is just weird in and of itself. I generally like to have met a person and kind of know them before I hang out with them... and this goes just for friends. I can't imagine meeting a date on a first date. That just brings so much pressure. bah! These things scare me to death. I'm not afraid to be myself, but letting anyone into my life is a big deal for me. wish me luck :)

I'm writing this blog post mostly to feel as though I have accomplished something today. I had all these plans and then didn't get to any of them. fail. Me and my mom have decided to throw a Halloween party which should be fun. Before this I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to dress up at all or what I was going to do. I have decided to be a zombie bride. I am going to make the dress. I found a really easy (or so it should be) tutorial on youtube. After work today I went and bought all the stuff I needed to make my costume and grocery shopped. But I had plans to set up the sewing machine and get started on at least cutting material. Plus, in order to make the dress, I have to have one of those mannequin- like things (i forget the name) that you hang clothes on that you're sewing so you can pin it. They're expensive, so instead I'm making one of my own. To do this I had to put on an old baggy shirt and then have my sister wrap my in duct tape like three times. It was quite the adventure. First, you look and feel completely ridiculous. Second, it gets really hard to move and breath. Third, it's slightly awkward to have someone wrap your entire torso in duct tape. But, that part is done and today I was going to stuff it (so it won't collapse) and then make a stand for it. But I got home and just crashed. I put away groceries (that's a plus) and then sat on the couch while eating my "dinner" of cheese and crackers while checking up on the interweb. Then, when there was nothing left to look at and I was bored, what do you think I did? Did I get started on all that other stuff? Of course not. I sought out new youtube subscriptions, and sat around some more. Right about now I should be in bed, but I had to accomplish something. I just had to, or I would feel completely lame. So I am posting this blog entry telling you about how I did nothing, therefore doing something! yay!

THINGS I WANTED TO DO (but didn't)
-set up sewing maching
-finish mannequin -like thingy (that's the technical term)
-cut material
-vlog
-make and eat an actual dinner

THINGS I DID DO:
-put away groceries
-shop for stuff
-check the interweb
-eat (kind of)
-blog


yeah. Go me! It's just the more I thought about all the stuff I wanted to do when I got off work while I was sitting, the less I wanted to do it. Even though I was bored and had nothing to do. Oh, cycle of procrastination you make no sense. How will I ever make it through NaNoWriMo. *sigh*

NaNoWriMo

So...I signed up to do NaNoWriMo this year. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the worst best thing that ever happened to me. I'm going to be stressed (i can feel it coming on already) and i'm going to get frustrated. but i will feel so good if i accomplish this. It will be so nice to get some of the stories out of my head. I've always been an avid reader and i've always written stories in my head. i spend hours upon hours daydreaming stories into existence. when i was younger and i didn't want to do a certain chore, i would write out a scenario starring me as the main character and featuring the chore i had to do, with a whole back story and everything. So in theory this shouldn't be that hard. I just have to pick an idea and run with it. It's a project and it's constructive. so that should be good. i'm going to have to push myself. at the end hopefully i'll have a novel, albeit an unpublishable one that no one will probably ever read, but a novel non the less. I'm excited and scared. because if i don't make it, it will be horrible. or maybe i won't be able to buy into the whole quantity over quality thing because of my perfectionism. i don't know. or maybe i'll be too lazy to get the amount of words out i need to. but i think most of all i'm scared (like most things in life) that i will try really hard and still fail. which is stupid. because everyone knows that you can't win if you don't try. but sometimes it's easier that way. that is the path i usually choose. so, i am stepping out on a limb and trying something new and crazy. i'm going to write a lousy novel. in a month. the month of my birthday. and i'm going to reek havoc on my life. it's going to be awesome! but i mean, hey, it's a good sign that i wanted to WRITE a blog about this right? get me warmed up a bit... yeah.

frustrating!

So school started today. not for me, but for everyone who is going to BSU. It's so weird to not be in school. It kind of makes me panic. I don't know what it is i want to do and am done with my general courses, so until I know what I want to pursue I'm not going back to school. It feels so backwards... almost as if I'm doing something wrong. I love to have goals and get them done as quickly and efficiently as possible. but life isn't like that. I have no clue what I want to do and I do not want to possibly waste time and money to just go to school because. It's so very stressful! bah! seriously. I wish I did know. I want to know I really do! I've thought about just going to school to get like and English or Business degree but I'm not convinced that would be helpful either. Perhaps photography, i do love that. but seriously I have no idea. I feel as though I'm wasting my potential and time in not knowing... like I could be further on in my life and career if i could figure it the heck out. It weighs over my like an ominous cloud. It's so epically frustrating. My life so far has turned out so very different from how I imagined it when I was little and sometimes I find myself wondering how I even got where I am now, how I became the person I am. There are things I like and things I don't like, things I will strive to change. I hate being stuck in ruts and the mark of a new school year is the year mark of me being stuck. I feel suffocated, like I can't breathe. To top it off, this year my three closest friends are all moving on now; it's so much harder to be left than to do the leaving. Jeanine, of course is in NC. Kayla is and RA at NNU now and even though she's close I won't be seeing much of her. Calli has moved to ISU for her freshman year. and here I am, living alone and working. yep. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, that's not the point. I'm very happy for all three of my friends. I'm glad they have direction and are having awesome experiences. I want what's best for them. I just wish I knew what I wanted. I put very high expectations on myself and when I fail to meet them I am often devastated. One year should definitely be long enough for anyone to figure out what they want to do. I mean, I had two years of college before that to figure it out too! bah! however, there is another part of me deep down that knows that maybe I need to learn something from all that waiting. That even though right now I feel as though this is wasted time it is really a preparation for something that is to come. I know that I have some major growing to do. that there are aspects of my life that need worked on and points of view that need changing through experience, not just knowledge. I am simply not a patient person... I want to know now! haha. but God knows better than me and I trust him. I'm just frustrated!

moving on....

so much has happened since i last posted! i've completed one of my life goals- to see a relient k concert! it was soooo much fun. Kayla went with me and we ended up really close to the front. They are my favorite band of all time. they have a song for everything and often bring a new perspective on things. I just love their music. it was so nice to finally be able to attend one of their concerts and such a blessing to have Kayla with me- sometimes i don't know what i would do without her! :) I was able to jump and sing a long to some of my favorite songs. The place was jammed packed and i'm not gonna lie, i sweated more than i ever have in my life. it was really gross. but you get to the point where you just don't care because everyone else around you is sweating too. once you stop being self conscious you can really let go and just have fun! so, the concert lived up to my expectations and was so much fun. i can't even explain.

as i have mentioned before, the last year of my life was pretty much spent existing. as i move on and start living again, i have been thinking a lot about passion. the depression i have come out of is a place i never, ever, want to be again. not ever. i mean, you can have bad days, but i don't ever want to get into a rut like that again. one thing i think a lot of people lack is passion. so, i am going to make a list about things i'm passionate about and then begin to do things, get actively involved, in those things. I talk about that on my youtube page with my best friend, Jeanine. we are going to be challenging eachother in this area. i will be putting up another video on this subject on our page. you can find us at: www.youtube.com/betweenusfriends. we are vlogging back and forth and are sometimes entertaining.

this week i have had a paradigm shift. I'm not going to go into detail, because it involves some things that i'd rather not everyone know. haha. at least, not upon not knowing me at all first. but, i have found perspective on something that i didn't have any on before. It's really amazing! it's like, not only have i come out of the depression and am happy now, but now i have motivation back which is a sweet thing! seriously. it's so good to be alive and have goals to work toward. i've realized that no one can go through life without getting a little messed up, that no one can lead the perfect fairy tale life. I kind of knew that before, but all of a sudden it has sunk in and i have taken it to heart. people tell you that you make decisions that will lead you somewhere in life. and that as long as you make good ones, you'll be fine. i'm not dismissing this. but, it's not always true. and, one thing they neglect to tell you is that sometimes it's not you who fully makes decisions. You get close to people and you make decisions together, or let them make them for you. and sometimes you get in over your head. ultimately it is you that made the decision, cause you let them in, and you have to take responsibility for that, but it wasn't entirely your fault. you only half made the decision. and some people bring out different sides to you. it's complicated and maybe it's one of those things you have to learn for yourself. who knows. Sometimes, you were meant to love someone for a reason other then to have them love you back and have a happily ever after. because we learn from loving others and having others love us.

so, this week i've had to finally cut ties with someone i love dearly. I have to take big steps backwards. we remain great friends, but have to give up something we once had. because it wasn't right. it wasn't healthy. and it wasn't beneficial. but we learned. and sometimes that's enough.... sometimes we aren't meant to stay forever. This is all new to me. I have never, ever had to give up someone who was close to me. i've only ever had about three people who were so close to me that they know just about all there is to know, and i know all there is to know about them. I don't trust easily and am a very passionate person when it comes to friendships. and now i've had to let one of those people go... and it's hard. but it was time. it's for the best. and i praise God for all that i have gotten out of the relationship. I made some very big mistakes in that relationship. but they were made in a safe environment and i have learned from them. so many things i knew, and life perceptions have been challenged and changed. and now it's time to move on...

i'm excited for what the future holds! :) I'm excited to pursue life, a passionate one.

lies

This is something I have been thinking of as of late. I mean, obviously it is usually bad to lie. Up until about a year ago or so I would not have included the word "usually" in my last statement. The Bible tells us not to lie. Our parents and teachers drill it into us. I have never been a fan of lying. I mean, it usually just gets you into more trouble, you have to keep your story straight, it leads to more lying, and hides who you really are or what you really want. I strive to always tell the truth. However, I have been thinking lately that sometimes it's easier to lie. I mean, lots of people think this... but i'm not talking about stupid little lies. I talking about lying to yourself mostly. Believing something that isn't necessarily true in order to avoid pain. Because if you chose to face the truth... it wouldn't change reality and would only bring pain. I mean, is it better to know the truth and be miserable or to tell yourself something isn't true in order to be happy. I don't know. I can't answer that. But it does have me thinking. Also, what about lies of omission. Is it better to keep something from someone if you know it will hurt them, or is it better to tell them? Would I rather know the truth and suffer or be blissfully naive? I just don't know... maybe it's one of those questions that can't be answered... or has to be answered on a case by case basis.
My example for this would be from New Moon. Take for example Bella and Jacob's relationship. Jacob is head over heels in love with Bella. Bella loves Jake, but not in the right way, not enough, not the way he deserves. Should Bella lie to Jacob and tell him she has no feelings for him? I mean, even if she tells him how she feels, that she does indeed love him in some capacity, it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with him. Would Jake rather know she cares, or would that just make it hurt more... There's the lying by omission example. Here's the lying to self example: When Edward comes back and is telling her he loves her. She at first doesn't believe him... she's lying to herself to save herself from pain. Even if he did love her, he would still leave again, that's supposedly why he left the first time. So, it's easier for her to believe that he doesn't love her. Is it better that way? it save her from pain. but it isn't true. And what you feel doesn't change reality of actions.
A lot of the time emotions don't line up with reality. Just because you feel that way, doesn't make it true. however, on the flip side, reality also usually doesn't change your emotions. Just because it's illogical to feel a certain way doesn't mean you don't feel that way or that you can help from feeling that way. Our emotions often have a mind of their own.
So, which should win out reality or emotions? which is the bigger truth? or can truth only be found when the two match up? it's all so confusing... and frustrating!

consistency

it's been a few days since i've posted... no bueno. i would like to try and post everyday. it's nice to reflect on how the day has been and how i could have made it better. however, i suck at consistency when it comes to things i do for me. things i want or need to do for my own benefit or good. If i tell someone else i will do something, then i will. but if it's for me, i usually don't. i need consistency in my life desperately. it's something me and God need to work on. It's something i need to pray for. In my daily walk with him i suck at consistency. yes i do. bah! i get so frustrated at myself sometimes. cause the truth is i'm not really doing anything else of merit. plus, it's not like it takes so much effort. it's simply the act of starting something that is the hardest part. once i commit and go for it i'm golden. for the most part. I just have to make it a priority. so, i will be praying for consistency. hopefully, praying for consistency will be the first thing i do consistently. haha. This definately reminds me of a relient k song... though as of now i can't remember the name of it.
what has happened since i last wrote? hmm... I babysat on saturday and was slightly inspired. The woman whose kids i watched is really and truly amazing. she has three children, two degrees, a great job and house, and is really down to earth. you can tell she truly cares about the people around her and puts her family first. although she seemingly has reason to brag, she doesn't. She lives quietly by example. She's the kind of person, that as a child, i had envisioned myself being when i grew up. living by example instead of by words. needless to say, she inspired me to do some of those things i wished i was doing. to think about the path my life was taking just a little bit.
church on sunday was amazing. the thing i got most from it was that we should be passionate. which is funny because that wasn't really the focus of the day. but i have been thinking a lot about passion lately. I am a person who, when i find the right thing am very passionate. i love to be passionate about things and people. there is nothing worse to me then being stuck doing something i am not passionate about or being surrounded by people i do not feel passionately about. i really don't understand how people can go around living their lives doing things that are okay but don't truly make them happy. it baffles me. it saddens me mostly. even if the thing you love doing doesn't make you a lot of money, if you are passionate about it, that's awesome! i think this is part of the reason i can't decide what i want to do career wise with my life. i don't want to end up doing something i'm not passionate about. it scares me to the core. as does the thought that i will never find a person who is just as passionate about me as i am about them... as of now i am very passionate about my job and my closest friends. I love them dearly and i love what i do. and, after a year of not having passion in my life, it's great to have it back! it makes me so happy and driven. even if i don't know what i want to do yet... haha

oh! and the three day weekend was awesome even if i didn't do much :) i started learning guitar finally! and i put up the youtube page for Jeanine and I. it is www.youtube.com/betweenusfriends so... go take a look!

cleaning the blinds...

so, today nothing too interesting happened. I am feeling much better today. but... today was the third day i did not have caffeine. So, i was starting to feel the effects of that. which is pretty bad. I broke down and had some coke today, which helped a little. tomorrow i will probably start on coffee again :) yeah for coffee! but yeah...nice not to be so sick anymore. work was pretty easy today, we've been freakishly low this week so far... not sure why. So, i pulled out half the blinds from the room today and cleaned them. I am slightly OCD when it comes to cleaning at work. yes i am. I was supposed to take the blinds down and clean them. but once i get started i just can't stop. so, i took the blinds out and cleaned them but then decided why not clean the windows, and the window sills, and the walls around them. So, i spent about two hours cleaning that area. and it looks so much better. I get excited when things are clean, it feels good. I know, i know, i'm a dork! but seriously. the only thing was, when i put them back up i could tell how horribly bad the other blinds look. They are seriously sick! i can't wait to go back on friday and clean them. It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how dirty things are until you compare them. I had been talking about cleaning the blinds for a few weeks now, cause i knew they needed to be done, but now i can see all the dust and grime on them and it's eating at me! gross! aren't you glad you're reading about cleaning blinds? haha. but i have a tie in. It's like the areas of our lives we know we need to change or deal with. The issue may not be pressing but it only collects dirt and adds to the problem the more we ignore it. kind of a stretch but it's true. When we finally tackle the problem it's usually not that hard to fix, but it does take effort. And when that problem is taken care of... it's easier to see the next one that needs fixing. Some problems we have to deal with daily, to self talk ourselves through daily. this is a hard concept for me. I want to do something and have it be accomplished. I don't want to work on it every day in and out. To make that choice every day. It's not fun. It's hard. but if we keep up on our "cleaning" then we don't have to take serious time to work hard at cleaning the grime away, it's less painful. and yes, i know i'm being all contemplative and sensitive lately. haha.

sickness!

so... I have been sick the past couple of days. i hate being sick! not that anyone does like it... it came out of nowhere really. I woke up on monday with a headache, sinus pressure, and an achy body. Today I feel a bit better but no much. It's really random. No one i know has been sick and it's spring for crying out loud. I went to be yesterday at like 9:30 thinking that would help. Although i was able to sleep, i woke up feeling just about the same. grrr... hopefully i will feel better tomorrow. I drank 96 oz. of gatorade, 16 oz. of lemonade, 16 oz. of water, 20 oz. of vitamin water, and some Oj today. haha. yeah. crazyness. plus when i'm sick i cut out caffeine, sugar, and dairy. i need to get better... it's not that bad really. It's just the feeling weak part that i hate. so... that's all that's up with me i guess.

So today I slept in... which was kinda nice but it was weird not getting up and going to church. Kayla and I decided to try the PM service which is probably the one we'll be switching to. There was not nearly as many people there. So that was kinda weird... but I still loved the message and atmosphere. PM will be good for us i think :) It was very hot today! summer is going to be crazy. I tried turning on my swamp cooler today but i really have no idea how to work it...it kind of works? i don't really know. I bought batteries for my tuner and Kayla tuned my guitar :) i need to practice more... teaching myself is not going well so far. I don't usually do well at things i have no clue about. Instead of just trying and seeing what works, i like to know exactly what i SHOULD be doing, the correct way. I'm a perfectionist. So, this is hard for me. But i think i'll figure it out. I need to get over it. It reminds me of the creative writing class i took my junior year. The teacher would just tell us to write something and not really explain what she wanted. We would just have to do the assignment hoping we were doing it right. Really there is no right or wrong way to creatively write but it took me awhile to get used to that way of thinking. I think my creativity is often cut short by the limitations of what i, or others, think is the "correct" way. Just because one way works doesn't make it the only possible solution. It's something i have a hard time dealing with. I like things black and white. simple and clear cut. I like things to be organized and have a place, a function. when lines become blurry and one thing can be used for something else, i panic. well, maybe not panic but it makes me uncomfortable. This is something I have to work on in real life too. I like to put people in boxes. My family separate from my friends. Work friends separate from school friends and life friends and church friends. I'm getting better... but i still need to work on it!

Lets see... I actually had things to do today. they were kinda spread out though, i find i get bored easily. I went to breakfast with my parents which was kinda nice. I went and saw Hailey at her TaVaci recital. That was actually really cool. It's a performing arts class that works on singing and acting and dancing. Hailey was very excited and did great! i was so proud of her. She has great facial expressions and isn't afraid to be in front of people. Then Calli came over and we hung out. We went to Donnie Mac's. Which is basically the coolest place ever. I love it! and i had one of their expresso yourself muds which is amazing! yummy. then we came back home and watched to B movies which were pretty funny but kinda weird and slow going. Although one of the movies did have a guy in it with a mullet and numbchucks... it really can't get better than that! haha. it made me laugh so hard. I have not been seeing my friends enough! or maybe it just seems that way and i am extra needy, i don't know. but i've been kind of in a depressing moon lately. It's kind of worrying me. I don't want to go back to where i was. now though, it's only episodes of sadness, it's more tolerable. but it still has me worried. i've been doing good, and it seems as though i should fall back into that soon. i don't want to... but that seems to be the nature of it. So, i am watching it carefully. Although I'm not sure if i can do anything to stop it anyways. wow. enough about that. ummm.... that's it i think. except me and Calli decided that next time we don't know what to watch we should pick some random person to choose a movie for us... it would be an adventure! yep. something to stop the boredom...

Swimming Lessons

So... today was my day off and as usual, I pretty much avoided doing anything at all. It should be the day I use to get all kinds of things I need to get done done but I'm lazy! I did however, take two girls I babysit to swimming lessons. This is the second week in a row I've done so. Last week, the youngest one had to jump into the pool in her clothes. They do this so that if you ever fall in by accident you don't panic, you've practiced and now know what to do. She did panic and refused to finish her lesson. She sat on the steps and cried. That day I was aggravated by this. She tends to use her emotions to manipulate people into getting what she wants. She didn't finish the lesson and therefore has to do it over. So, this week I got her all ready to do the lesson over again, only this time I made sure she had her swimsuit on underneath her clothes, so she wouldn't have to change half way through. She knew what was coming, dad had talked to her, and so had I. As soon as we got closer to the pool I could see her start to panic. Her whole body tightened up and she started to shut down. I talked to her in a soothing voice and tried to explain to her what she was going to be doing and why this was important. However, she did not want to do it. So, today she didn't have to finish that lesson, they moved on to freestyle and will come back to it. I thought she was refusing to do this simply because she didn't understand why. but that wasn't the reason at all. She really is scared. As i watched who practice freestyle, I noticed that she doesn't seem comfortable in the water at all. She doesn't have control and that scares her. I hope they push her to do this lesson, she needs to overcome her fear. It is so much like grownup life too. We have to be pushed out of our comfort zone in order to grow and learn. We have to do things we don't want to or things that scare us so that we simply know how to do them. It's important. Sometimes, like this little girl, I am put into a situation where I don't feel comfortable and I run away, refusing to do it. But I will have to do it eventually. I'm kind of going through that right now. I have things I have to deal with with a certain person in my life, yet I put it on the back burner for a few weeks. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough. But.. I know it's something I have to do and now I"m kinda wishing I had just deal with it at the time. Actually, in this area of my life, there are a lot of things I wish I had dealt with earlier on, I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain. So, do we ever learn this lesson? or do we just keep repeating it? I am really frustrated with my humaness right now. I feel as though no matter how hard I try to move forward, I only end up back where I started. I get so very close to being done with the lesson and then I give up and shut down. I go back to my comfort zone even though it's no good for me. I don't want to be complacent. and so... i am aggravated at myself. yes i am. grrr....

youtube

oh! I forgot to state in my last post that i have recently become obsessed with technology. I have all kinds of accounts. tons really! and though i am blogging on here, i will probably also be vlogging on youtube. i'll list my accounts below:
myspace- chrystie
facebook-christina hollobaugh
twitter- chrystieness
youtube-chrystieness
i have more accounts then this but these are the main ones. also, i probably will be getting rid of my myspace account within the next year. i am still waiting for chris (my best friend's husband) to get a facebook. I might delete it earlier though... i don't know!

Blogging!

So, no one reads this, as previously stated, but i like having it anyways. it's kinda like keeping a diary only hoping someone will read it. hmmm.... I don't know if i want everyone reading my inner thoughts but yeah. This past years has been crazy! Anyone who knows me knows that. I have spent the last year trying to do things my way, hanging on to something i never had, and running away from God. It's been horrible and depressing. It was literally the worst thing i have ever had to go through. I hope and pray i never have to go through something like that again. i've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned why i need God and that i need to trust Him. He has a plan for my life, he can see the bigger picture. I can't. I have to believe, through all the pain, that there is a reason i went through what i did. and i do believe that. Some days it's easier then others. I have gotten to the point where i think i am ready to start healing. I have my up and down days, but i am out of the depression and ready to start actually dealing with the pain. I hope i can be strong...i will try really hard. before, i just wasn't ready to deal with it. I buried it and distracted myself. the most i asked for was numbness. If i could just survive then life was good. If i could keep busy enough to not think. trying to run away from your own mind is very hard... and running from God is harder! I've spent the last year simply existing and now i am choosing more. I want to live again, to live for God. to make a difference and have a life. So, here i go. I've learned things about myself that i don't like... but i will work on them and grow, with God's help. so yeah. that's my last year in a nutshell. not details, but the overall theme. Although, i also must declare that i have the best friends ever who have helped me through this...people who actually get and understand me, which was something i was beginning to think i would never have. I love them so much... i couldn't have even existed without them :)