I'm a calm, cool, and collected mess.

I haven't posted forever! Geez. I think one of the reason is because I've been writing in my journal more. There are some things that I'd rather not broadcast all over the internet but would like to write about and I've been doing that. In fact, I'm behind on that too. Go me!

I'm not really going to try and play catch up in this post. I can't even remember all the things that have happened since I last posted. So that's very fail on my part. Please excuse me.

I just got done reading all of Meghan's blog entries. I have also watched some of her videos but I haven't gotten to all of them yet. However, I already can tell she is awesome. She inspires me to get my life back on track. She is a fairly well known youtuber and a proclaimed Christian.

The past few years of my life have been a whirlwind. It's been confusing and painful and I've come out on the other side not looking like I did before at all, and not for the better. Even with all that's happened I look back and think how did I get here? Deep down in my heart I still love God and want to be one of his children. But I'm lost in pain and confusion. I took a painful situation and made it more confusing and painful by dragging it out and running from God instead of letting him heal me. Now I can't seem to find my way back. Not only that but if I'm being completely honest, I'm scared. I don't want to deal with all the pain. The very thought completely overwhelms me enough to shut me back down. I may be out of my engulfing depression now but I'm still not in a truly happy place. I have so much I know I need to work on but I'm scared to start. I know I NEED to. But I've constructed all these barriers and shut down my emotions to cope (although truth be told they're not very effective) and the thought of dropping them literally leads me to a panic attack. I'm a mess. A mess disguised as calm, cool, and collected, which seems to me the very worst kind.

*sigh*

I don't really know what else to say. Other than I know what I need to do but I'm not sure if I will. At least not anytime soon. Because even thought the previously mentioned barriers aren't doing me any good, they are my "comfort" zone.