I always feel the need to blog when I should be sleeping, so it seems. I am pretty sick. I mean, I have a cough and my ears are plugged up, and lots of sinus pressure. Some people probably get this a lot. But I don't hardly ever get sick. Stupid sickness. I have been sick for like a week now too, and that's quite a while for me! bah! I want to be well cause Halloween is Saturday and I want to be able to have fun (and hear!). It'll be my first ever Halloween party. It's exciting. I'm going to be a zombie bride and have my costume pretty much all finished. What else...

youtube. I love youtube. The collab channel with the girls is going great! but my personal channel is falling way, way behind. I'm all vlogged out by the time I do my betweenusfriends video. Well, partly that and partly the fact that all my good ideas come to me in the middle of the day. I'm at work and can't film, and if I don't film them right away then I lose motivation and am convinced that idea was stupid anyways. I would idealistically like to vlog once a week on there. *sigh* I'll work on this.

NaNoWriMo. I'm excited! I am not freaking out...yet. Although I know I should be. I have no real plan. I'm going to be writing a story that I've been writing in my head for years. So, I'm hoping it will come out fairly painlessly. It doesn't have to be good. The point is to get the words out, quantity not quality. That comes later. I am kinda nervous talking about it though. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm writing about. I don't want to tell them. It's a weird thing to me. To tell someone your idea or have them read your writing is a very personal thing. It's like letting someone into your mind. They see how you think, how you view the world. I mean, it's fiction. It's not real. But you stem from real ideas, feeling, and perspective. Some truth comes out of made-up characters. And, I think my novel makes me look slightly, idealistic. Which isn't bad. But I think people will think that I'm "cute" or "young". I don't know. Again, it is proved to me that I care what people think. This definitely bugs me. a lot. Oh! and I'm not going to actually be writing the first few days cause Kayla is coming to stay with me. So I'll be starting off behind... yeah.

er. This is a hard one. That person I was letting go of a few blog posts back. yeah. I haven't. They have the uncanny ability to manipulate me. We've been going round and round in this dysfunctional circle of crazy. We both know it. And I'm done. I need to be done. I have to be done. and I just am. I'm tired of being so very masochistic. I've learned so much, but now need to move on with that knowledge. I just have to tell the person. there's the hard part. Well, not really. The harder part is sticking to what I say. I have the worst will power when it comes to this person. Those who know me well call them my kryptonite. It's that bad. But I must do it. Wish me luck!

Recap. To Do:

*video for personal channel
*tell people what my novel is about
*have a heart to heart and stick to my guns

awesome! well, I'm heading to bed in hopes I'll wake up with a miraculous drained ear. Oh, and tomorrow I'm having a Sex in the City marathon with Kayla! yay!


EDIT- I was just looking through older posts and in a lot of them i say i'm sick. so apparently I like to blog when i'm sick also... *shakes head*

being set up?!?!? ...

A few of my coworkers have taken it up as their personal mission to find me a boy. They want to see me go on a date. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, it's really not a big deal. What can one date hurt right? Here's the thing though. I've never actually been on a date. yep. I am almost 22 years old and I have never been on a date. Why you ask? I've always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic but also have a very realist side. My parents didn't want me dating until I was eighteen (which, you know, is only slightly ridiculous) but I wouldn't have anyways. No one I knew or met in high school was worth it to put it bluntly. I never really got the point of dating for the heck of it. Why in the world would I want to date and have a relationship with someone who I knew it wasn't going anywhere with? But maybe it's just my personality. I have a really really hard time with casual relationships of any sort. I'm either all in or all out for the most part. I get deeply emotionally attached and refuse to become unattached. That in itself warrants worry for this potential date. I won't know this person. I don't do small talk well at all. I don't like meeting new people. I have never done any of this before. However, add on the fact that despite me never officially being in a relationship, I've been in love with this boy I basically grew up with and have known since I was like ten or eleven. I started to like him when I was like 17. And I didn't admit it for a whole year. I had never really even had a crush on a boy before. I mean, I had seen things I admired in other boys, or thought they were cute. But I could always pin-point why they weren't right for me. But this boy, he stole my heart. It took two years (three maybe?) for him to start to like me. It was so slow going from my perspective. But then he did! And we started talking and talking and talking. We had already been really good friends. I went to see him (he lives in another state) and he missed an opportunity to kiss me (silly nervous boy!). After I returned we talked and he basically ended it, it kind of happened abruptly. I spent a year depressed. It was sad and pathetic. ridiculous, but it happened. I was in love with him and it was hard. I felt as though I had not only lost a love but also a very close friend. And then began our cycles. With him it never seems to be over. We are both inexplicably drawn to each other. We know each other too well for our own good sometimes. I'm getting over him... now it's just the moving on part that poses a problem. This makes me really nervous for my potential date. Not necessarily the first one, but if anything came out of it. I mean, how do I explain my crazy emotions for this boy i wasn't in a relationship with? The whole thing was just ridiculous. Also, part of me wonders if I can feel the same way about another person. I mean not exactly the same way, but as deep of feelings. And a huge part of me is intimidated by the process of getting to know/ letting someone get to know me again. It's so much work... and what if it doesn't work out. ahhhh..... My non-relationship thing with this boy has left me with lots of issues but no practical experience. Stupid! Not to mention that being set up is just weird in and of itself. I generally like to have met a person and kind of know them before I hang out with them... and this goes just for friends. I can't imagine meeting a date on a first date. That just brings so much pressure. bah! These things scare me to death. I'm not afraid to be myself, but letting anyone into my life is a big deal for me. wish me luck :)

I'm writing this blog post mostly to feel as though I have accomplished something today. I had all these plans and then didn't get to any of them. fail. Me and my mom have decided to throw a Halloween party which should be fun. Before this I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to dress up at all or what I was going to do. I have decided to be a zombie bride. I am going to make the dress. I found a really easy (or so it should be) tutorial on youtube. After work today I went and bought all the stuff I needed to make my costume and grocery shopped. But I had plans to set up the sewing machine and get started on at least cutting material. Plus, in order to make the dress, I have to have one of those mannequin- like things (i forget the name) that you hang clothes on that you're sewing so you can pin it. They're expensive, so instead I'm making one of my own. To do this I had to put on an old baggy shirt and then have my sister wrap my in duct tape like three times. It was quite the adventure. First, you look and feel completely ridiculous. Second, it gets really hard to move and breath. Third, it's slightly awkward to have someone wrap your entire torso in duct tape. But, that part is done and today I was going to stuff it (so it won't collapse) and then make a stand for it. But I got home and just crashed. I put away groceries (that's a plus) and then sat on the couch while eating my "dinner" of cheese and crackers while checking up on the interweb. Then, when there was nothing left to look at and I was bored, what do you think I did? Did I get started on all that other stuff? Of course not. I sought out new youtube subscriptions, and sat around some more. Right about now I should be in bed, but I had to accomplish something. I just had to, or I would feel completely lame. So I am posting this blog entry telling you about how I did nothing, therefore doing something! yay!

THINGS I WANTED TO DO (but didn't)
-set up sewing maching
-finish mannequin -like thingy (that's the technical term)
-cut material
-vlog
-make and eat an actual dinner

THINGS I DID DO:
-put away groceries
-shop for stuff
-check the interweb
-eat (kind of)
-blog


yeah. Go me! It's just the more I thought about all the stuff I wanted to do when I got off work while I was sitting, the less I wanted to do it. Even though I was bored and had nothing to do. Oh, cycle of procrastination you make no sense. How will I ever make it through NaNoWriMo. *sigh*

NaNoWriMo

So...I signed up to do NaNoWriMo this year. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the worst best thing that ever happened to me. I'm going to be stressed (i can feel it coming on already) and i'm going to get frustrated. but i will feel so good if i accomplish this. It will be so nice to get some of the stories out of my head. I've always been an avid reader and i've always written stories in my head. i spend hours upon hours daydreaming stories into existence. when i was younger and i didn't want to do a certain chore, i would write out a scenario starring me as the main character and featuring the chore i had to do, with a whole back story and everything. So in theory this shouldn't be that hard. I just have to pick an idea and run with it. It's a project and it's constructive. so that should be good. i'm going to have to push myself. at the end hopefully i'll have a novel, albeit an unpublishable one that no one will probably ever read, but a novel non the less. I'm excited and scared. because if i don't make it, it will be horrible. or maybe i won't be able to buy into the whole quantity over quality thing because of my perfectionism. i don't know. or maybe i'll be too lazy to get the amount of words out i need to. but i think most of all i'm scared (like most things in life) that i will try really hard and still fail. which is stupid. because everyone knows that you can't win if you don't try. but sometimes it's easier that way. that is the path i usually choose. so, i am stepping out on a limb and trying something new and crazy. i'm going to write a lousy novel. in a month. the month of my birthday. and i'm going to reek havoc on my life. it's going to be awesome! but i mean, hey, it's a good sign that i wanted to WRITE a blog about this right? get me warmed up a bit... yeah.