lies

This is something I have been thinking of as of late. I mean, obviously it is usually bad to lie. Up until about a year ago or so I would not have included the word "usually" in my last statement. The Bible tells us not to lie. Our parents and teachers drill it into us. I have never been a fan of lying. I mean, it usually just gets you into more trouble, you have to keep your story straight, it leads to more lying, and hides who you really are or what you really want. I strive to always tell the truth. However, I have been thinking lately that sometimes it's easier to lie. I mean, lots of people think this... but i'm not talking about stupid little lies. I talking about lying to yourself mostly. Believing something that isn't necessarily true in order to avoid pain. Because if you chose to face the truth... it wouldn't change reality and would only bring pain. I mean, is it better to know the truth and be miserable or to tell yourself something isn't true in order to be happy. I don't know. I can't answer that. But it does have me thinking. Also, what about lies of omission. Is it better to keep something from someone if you know it will hurt them, or is it better to tell them? Would I rather know the truth and suffer or be blissfully naive? I just don't know... maybe it's one of those questions that can't be answered... or has to be answered on a case by case basis.
My example for this would be from New Moon. Take for example Bella and Jacob's relationship. Jacob is head over heels in love with Bella. Bella loves Jake, but not in the right way, not enough, not the way he deserves. Should Bella lie to Jacob and tell him she has no feelings for him? I mean, even if she tells him how she feels, that she does indeed love him in some capacity, it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with him. Would Jake rather know she cares, or would that just make it hurt more... There's the lying by omission example. Here's the lying to self example: When Edward comes back and is telling her he loves her. She at first doesn't believe him... she's lying to herself to save herself from pain. Even if he did love her, he would still leave again, that's supposedly why he left the first time. So, it's easier for her to believe that he doesn't love her. Is it better that way? it save her from pain. but it isn't true. And what you feel doesn't change reality of actions.
A lot of the time emotions don't line up with reality. Just because you feel that way, doesn't make it true. however, on the flip side, reality also usually doesn't change your emotions. Just because it's illogical to feel a certain way doesn't mean you don't feel that way or that you can help from feeling that way. Our emotions often have a mind of their own.
So, which should win out reality or emotions? which is the bigger truth? or can truth only be found when the two match up? it's all so confusing... and frustrating!

consistency

it's been a few days since i've posted... no bueno. i would like to try and post everyday. it's nice to reflect on how the day has been and how i could have made it better. however, i suck at consistency when it comes to things i do for me. things i want or need to do for my own benefit or good. If i tell someone else i will do something, then i will. but if it's for me, i usually don't. i need consistency in my life desperately. it's something me and God need to work on. It's something i need to pray for. In my daily walk with him i suck at consistency. yes i do. bah! i get so frustrated at myself sometimes. cause the truth is i'm not really doing anything else of merit. plus, it's not like it takes so much effort. it's simply the act of starting something that is the hardest part. once i commit and go for it i'm golden. for the most part. I just have to make it a priority. so, i will be praying for consistency. hopefully, praying for consistency will be the first thing i do consistently. haha. This definately reminds me of a relient k song... though as of now i can't remember the name of it.
what has happened since i last wrote? hmm... I babysat on saturday and was slightly inspired. The woman whose kids i watched is really and truly amazing. she has three children, two degrees, a great job and house, and is really down to earth. you can tell she truly cares about the people around her and puts her family first. although she seemingly has reason to brag, she doesn't. She lives quietly by example. She's the kind of person, that as a child, i had envisioned myself being when i grew up. living by example instead of by words. needless to say, she inspired me to do some of those things i wished i was doing. to think about the path my life was taking just a little bit.
church on sunday was amazing. the thing i got most from it was that we should be passionate. which is funny because that wasn't really the focus of the day. but i have been thinking a lot about passion lately. I am a person who, when i find the right thing am very passionate. i love to be passionate about things and people. there is nothing worse to me then being stuck doing something i am not passionate about or being surrounded by people i do not feel passionately about. i really don't understand how people can go around living their lives doing things that are okay but don't truly make them happy. it baffles me. it saddens me mostly. even if the thing you love doing doesn't make you a lot of money, if you are passionate about it, that's awesome! i think this is part of the reason i can't decide what i want to do career wise with my life. i don't want to end up doing something i'm not passionate about. it scares me to the core. as does the thought that i will never find a person who is just as passionate about me as i am about them... as of now i am very passionate about my job and my closest friends. I love them dearly and i love what i do. and, after a year of not having passion in my life, it's great to have it back! it makes me so happy and driven. even if i don't know what i want to do yet... haha

oh! and the three day weekend was awesome even if i didn't do much :) i started learning guitar finally! and i put up the youtube page for Jeanine and I. it is www.youtube.com/betweenusfriends so... go take a look!

cleaning the blinds...

so, today nothing too interesting happened. I am feeling much better today. but... today was the third day i did not have caffeine. So, i was starting to feel the effects of that. which is pretty bad. I broke down and had some coke today, which helped a little. tomorrow i will probably start on coffee again :) yeah for coffee! but yeah...nice not to be so sick anymore. work was pretty easy today, we've been freakishly low this week so far... not sure why. So, i pulled out half the blinds from the room today and cleaned them. I am slightly OCD when it comes to cleaning at work. yes i am. I was supposed to take the blinds down and clean them. but once i get started i just can't stop. so, i took the blinds out and cleaned them but then decided why not clean the windows, and the window sills, and the walls around them. So, i spent about two hours cleaning that area. and it looks so much better. I get excited when things are clean, it feels good. I know, i know, i'm a dork! but seriously. the only thing was, when i put them back up i could tell how horribly bad the other blinds look. They are seriously sick! i can't wait to go back on friday and clean them. It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how dirty things are until you compare them. I had been talking about cleaning the blinds for a few weeks now, cause i knew they needed to be done, but now i can see all the dust and grime on them and it's eating at me! gross! aren't you glad you're reading about cleaning blinds? haha. but i have a tie in. It's like the areas of our lives we know we need to change or deal with. The issue may not be pressing but it only collects dirt and adds to the problem the more we ignore it. kind of a stretch but it's true. When we finally tackle the problem it's usually not that hard to fix, but it does take effort. And when that problem is taken care of... it's easier to see the next one that needs fixing. Some problems we have to deal with daily, to self talk ourselves through daily. this is a hard concept for me. I want to do something and have it be accomplished. I don't want to work on it every day in and out. To make that choice every day. It's not fun. It's hard. but if we keep up on our "cleaning" then we don't have to take serious time to work hard at cleaning the grime away, it's less painful. and yes, i know i'm being all contemplative and sensitive lately. haha.

sickness!

so... I have been sick the past couple of days. i hate being sick! not that anyone does like it... it came out of nowhere really. I woke up on monday with a headache, sinus pressure, and an achy body. Today I feel a bit better but no much. It's really random. No one i know has been sick and it's spring for crying out loud. I went to be yesterday at like 9:30 thinking that would help. Although i was able to sleep, i woke up feeling just about the same. grrr... hopefully i will feel better tomorrow. I drank 96 oz. of gatorade, 16 oz. of lemonade, 16 oz. of water, 20 oz. of vitamin water, and some Oj today. haha. yeah. crazyness. plus when i'm sick i cut out caffeine, sugar, and dairy. i need to get better... it's not that bad really. It's just the feeling weak part that i hate. so... that's all that's up with me i guess.

So today I slept in... which was kinda nice but it was weird not getting up and going to church. Kayla and I decided to try the PM service which is probably the one we'll be switching to. There was not nearly as many people there. So that was kinda weird... but I still loved the message and atmosphere. PM will be good for us i think :) It was very hot today! summer is going to be crazy. I tried turning on my swamp cooler today but i really have no idea how to work it...it kind of works? i don't really know. I bought batteries for my tuner and Kayla tuned my guitar :) i need to practice more... teaching myself is not going well so far. I don't usually do well at things i have no clue about. Instead of just trying and seeing what works, i like to know exactly what i SHOULD be doing, the correct way. I'm a perfectionist. So, this is hard for me. But i think i'll figure it out. I need to get over it. It reminds me of the creative writing class i took my junior year. The teacher would just tell us to write something and not really explain what she wanted. We would just have to do the assignment hoping we were doing it right. Really there is no right or wrong way to creatively write but it took me awhile to get used to that way of thinking. I think my creativity is often cut short by the limitations of what i, or others, think is the "correct" way. Just because one way works doesn't make it the only possible solution. It's something i have a hard time dealing with. I like things black and white. simple and clear cut. I like things to be organized and have a place, a function. when lines become blurry and one thing can be used for something else, i panic. well, maybe not panic but it makes me uncomfortable. This is something I have to work on in real life too. I like to put people in boxes. My family separate from my friends. Work friends separate from school friends and life friends and church friends. I'm getting better... but i still need to work on it!

Lets see... I actually had things to do today. they were kinda spread out though, i find i get bored easily. I went to breakfast with my parents which was kinda nice. I went and saw Hailey at her TaVaci recital. That was actually really cool. It's a performing arts class that works on singing and acting and dancing. Hailey was very excited and did great! i was so proud of her. She has great facial expressions and isn't afraid to be in front of people. Then Calli came over and we hung out. We went to Donnie Mac's. Which is basically the coolest place ever. I love it! and i had one of their expresso yourself muds which is amazing! yummy. then we came back home and watched to B movies which were pretty funny but kinda weird and slow going. Although one of the movies did have a guy in it with a mullet and numbchucks... it really can't get better than that! haha. it made me laugh so hard. I have not been seeing my friends enough! or maybe it just seems that way and i am extra needy, i don't know. but i've been kind of in a depressing moon lately. It's kind of worrying me. I don't want to go back to where i was. now though, it's only episodes of sadness, it's more tolerable. but it still has me worried. i've been doing good, and it seems as though i should fall back into that soon. i don't want to... but that seems to be the nature of it. So, i am watching it carefully. Although I'm not sure if i can do anything to stop it anyways. wow. enough about that. ummm.... that's it i think. except me and Calli decided that next time we don't know what to watch we should pick some random person to choose a movie for us... it would be an adventure! yep. something to stop the boredom...

Swimming Lessons

So... today was my day off and as usual, I pretty much avoided doing anything at all. It should be the day I use to get all kinds of things I need to get done done but I'm lazy! I did however, take two girls I babysit to swimming lessons. This is the second week in a row I've done so. Last week, the youngest one had to jump into the pool in her clothes. They do this so that if you ever fall in by accident you don't panic, you've practiced and now know what to do. She did panic and refused to finish her lesson. She sat on the steps and cried. That day I was aggravated by this. She tends to use her emotions to manipulate people into getting what she wants. She didn't finish the lesson and therefore has to do it over. So, this week I got her all ready to do the lesson over again, only this time I made sure she had her swimsuit on underneath her clothes, so she wouldn't have to change half way through. She knew what was coming, dad had talked to her, and so had I. As soon as we got closer to the pool I could see her start to panic. Her whole body tightened up and she started to shut down. I talked to her in a soothing voice and tried to explain to her what she was going to be doing and why this was important. However, she did not want to do it. So, today she didn't have to finish that lesson, they moved on to freestyle and will come back to it. I thought she was refusing to do this simply because she didn't understand why. but that wasn't the reason at all. She really is scared. As i watched who practice freestyle, I noticed that she doesn't seem comfortable in the water at all. She doesn't have control and that scares her. I hope they push her to do this lesson, she needs to overcome her fear. It is so much like grownup life too. We have to be pushed out of our comfort zone in order to grow and learn. We have to do things we don't want to or things that scare us so that we simply know how to do them. It's important. Sometimes, like this little girl, I am put into a situation where I don't feel comfortable and I run away, refusing to do it. But I will have to do it eventually. I'm kind of going through that right now. I have things I have to deal with with a certain person in my life, yet I put it on the back burner for a few weeks. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough. But.. I know it's something I have to do and now I"m kinda wishing I had just deal with it at the time. Actually, in this area of my life, there are a lot of things I wish I had dealt with earlier on, I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain. So, do we ever learn this lesson? or do we just keep repeating it? I am really frustrated with my humaness right now. I feel as though no matter how hard I try to move forward, I only end up back where I started. I get so very close to being done with the lesson and then I give up and shut down. I go back to my comfort zone even though it's no good for me. I don't want to be complacent. and so... i am aggravated at myself. yes i am. grrr....

youtube

oh! I forgot to state in my last post that i have recently become obsessed with technology. I have all kinds of accounts. tons really! and though i am blogging on here, i will probably also be vlogging on youtube. i'll list my accounts below:
myspace- chrystie
facebook-christina hollobaugh
twitter- chrystieness
youtube-chrystieness
i have more accounts then this but these are the main ones. also, i probably will be getting rid of my myspace account within the next year. i am still waiting for chris (my best friend's husband) to get a facebook. I might delete it earlier though... i don't know!

Blogging!

So, no one reads this, as previously stated, but i like having it anyways. it's kinda like keeping a diary only hoping someone will read it. hmmm.... I don't know if i want everyone reading my inner thoughts but yeah. This past years has been crazy! Anyone who knows me knows that. I have spent the last year trying to do things my way, hanging on to something i never had, and running away from God. It's been horrible and depressing. It was literally the worst thing i have ever had to go through. I hope and pray i never have to go through something like that again. i've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned why i need God and that i need to trust Him. He has a plan for my life, he can see the bigger picture. I can't. I have to believe, through all the pain, that there is a reason i went through what i did. and i do believe that. Some days it's easier then others. I have gotten to the point where i think i am ready to start healing. I have my up and down days, but i am out of the depression and ready to start actually dealing with the pain. I hope i can be strong...i will try really hard. before, i just wasn't ready to deal with it. I buried it and distracted myself. the most i asked for was numbness. If i could just survive then life was good. If i could keep busy enough to not think. trying to run away from your own mind is very hard... and running from God is harder! I've spent the last year simply existing and now i am choosing more. I want to live again, to live for God. to make a difference and have a life. So, here i go. I've learned things about myself that i don't like... but i will work on them and grow, with God's help. so yeah. that's my last year in a nutshell. not details, but the overall theme. Although, i also must declare that i have the best friends ever who have helped me through this...people who actually get and understand me, which was something i was beginning to think i would never have. I love them so much... i couldn't have even existed without them :)