Monday, August 24, 2009

frustrating!

So school started today. not for me, but for everyone who is going to BSU. It's so weird to not be in school. It kind of makes me panic. I don't know what it is i want to do and am done with my general courses, so until I know what I want to pursue I'm not going back to school. It feels so backwards... almost as if I'm doing something wrong. I love to have goals and get them done as quickly and efficiently as possible. but life isn't like that. I have no clue what I want to do and I do not want to possibly waste time and money to just go to school because. It's so very stressful! bah! seriously. I wish I did know. I want to know I really do! I've thought about just going to school to get like and English or Business degree but I'm not convinced that would be helpful either. Perhaps photography, i do love that. but seriously I have no idea. I feel as though I'm wasting my potential and time in not knowing... like I could be further on in my life and career if i could figure it the heck out. It weighs over my like an ominous cloud. It's so epically frustrating. My life so far has turned out so very different from how I imagined it when I was little and sometimes I find myself wondering how I even got where I am now, how I became the person I am. There are things I like and things I don't like, things I will strive to change. I hate being stuck in ruts and the mark of a new school year is the year mark of me being stuck. I feel suffocated, like I can't breathe. To top it off, this year my three closest friends are all moving on now; it's so much harder to be left than to do the leaving. Jeanine, of course is in NC. Kayla is and RA at NNU now and even though she's close I won't be seeing much of her. Calli has moved to ISU for her freshman year. and here I am, living alone and working. yep. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, that's not the point. I'm very happy for all three of my friends. I'm glad they have direction and are having awesome experiences. I want what's best for them. I just wish I knew what I wanted. I put very high expectations on myself and when I fail to meet them I am often devastated. One year should definitely be long enough for anyone to figure out what they want to do. I mean, I had two years of college before that to figure it out too! bah! however, there is another part of me deep down that knows that maybe I need to learn something from all that waiting. That even though right now I feel as though this is wasted time it is really a preparation for something that is to come. I know that I have some major growing to do. that there are aspects of my life that need worked on and points of view that need changing through experience, not just knowledge. I am simply not a patient person... I want to know now! haha. but God knows better than me and I trust him. I'm just frustrated!

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